DCP/1A/25 -- Should Polygamous Marriages be Allowed in Singapore?
posted by changzee at 10/23/2006 08:08:00 AM
Monday, October 23, 2006
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33 Comments:
Hey there.
To start off,let me first explain the meaning of Polygamous marriages.It is actually a system of a man having more than one wife at the same time.
For me, I will go for a YES!In fact, this is still happening in the Malay Community today.And from what I was told is that as long as you have the capablity to provide for your family, you can.Hence, why not?
In the past, our ancestors too have more than one wives.Yes, you may say that love is something undivided and your spouse should be faithful to you alone. However, long ago marriages were all matchmake, there weren't even love involved at the beginning in all relationships.Love can be cultivated over the time.Actually wives were used to flaunt that men are well to do;they can afford to provide for their family.And they still live harmoniously.
So should polygamous marriages be allowed in singapore?Please share your views:)
I disagree with fengz. Even if polygamous marriage is allowed it does not mean that have to marry to a man that wants to marry her. If the female party feel that having a shared husband will make a feel uncomfortable, she will not even marry to that man in the first place. If she does get married to that man, means she is fine with having to share a husband. So i feel that it is the female party's choice whether to marry a man that is already married.
What if the lady is the first wife and did not know that her husband plans to have more wives? How is she going to accept it, when her husband suddenly strays? Is this fair to her?
This is why divorces happen nowadays. It gives the wife a chance to seek a way out of the marriage if things do not work out. So with polygamous marriages, divorces will be redundant. So what can a woman do when she is stucked in an unhappy marriage?
Please remember males are often seeking greener pastures. In chinese there's a proverb "xi xin nian jiu" which means "preferring the new rather than the old". So say if the husband marries a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) wife, then although he doesn't like the previous wives he had married, but he likes the fact that he can "flaunt them", and refuses to divorce them. So how? All the wives are stucked with the unfaithful husband with no way out. Do you think this is healthy for the emotional well-being of the wives?
I feel that it is absolutely unnecessary for a man to have more than one wife. Why does he need so many wives in the first place? Isn't one woman enough? Does he need so many women in the house to cook, do housework, take care of children? Then he's better off hiring maids.
oh my. momokai actually agree with polygamous marriages which i absolutely disagree. a male having multiple wives is something that i totally cannot accept. that is a very greedy and selfish act of a guy who wants more and never spare a thought for the woman he loves. ironically,if he loves a woman, he shouldnt be having more than 1 spouse. that's being very unfair and unfaithful to the wife.
and what if a woman has the right to have more than 1 husband, how would you(the guys) feel about that?
refering to momokai..there's no right or wrong in love doesnt mean you can take advantage of that and make it as a reason to accept multiple marriages and having more than 1 life partner. have you seen breakups because the guy is a two-timer? it seems to me that your love can be divided.. no offence.
with regards to what jolyn has said earlier,it is indeed true that it is not fair to the wife when the husband strays. However, momokai has brought up the point that it is just a system and hence,not everyone has to follow suit.
indeed as what rubby mentioned, love is something undivided.but the thing is since men(i don't mean all) are prone to having extra maritial affairs these days,shouldn't it is only fair that the man undertakes the role of taking care of that woman also. this woman does deserve the official title.
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Why introduce this system at all, when you know that having this system will bring about damage socially and emotionally to women? Whether its just a choice or not, having this system available in our country is not healthy at all.
You do not have this system for man who can manage his wives. Love may be sacrificial, but it does not mean that woman should condone the horrible behaviour of man.
well.. i think it should not be allowed. I cant stand having to share your husband with another woman.. Erm.. I would like to ask if guys can stand having to share your wife with another guy? I would rather choose to divorce rather than having to share him or having another party entering our life. Though the man is capable in supporting both woman but i still feel that the care and concern cant be divided. How is he going to divide his time to accompany both. He cant be holding both hands walking in shopping centres. He would be slightly bias towards one, showering more love and concern on just one woman. How about those innocent children? They would be having two mothers and a father. How can a guy divide his time well between his career, his two wives plus their kids. I would rather chose to divorce. I feel that if polygamous marriages is allowed, the guy would have too many commitments to make. I understand that feelings will change gradually and a couple would start to lose feelings towards each other.. When you have no feelings why not let the woman off rather than tying her up in this marriage..
okie!yes its unfair to woman, it hurts them emotionally.but will you all look at it from a different perspective.it is just a SYSTEM!!!not everyone has to follow it.if the woman does not like the idea then so be it.
if a man is unfaithful,he is a jerk.but to everything there are exceptions and unforeseen circumstances.
precisely!yuting you asked what marriage vows are for?saying that you will love and look out for one another till the end.but look at the increasing divorce cases today. it is obvious that people see their marriage vows as something that is necessary before they get married and not something that they really mean.
THere are so many commens I don't know where to begin! :)
I've decided to pose questions instead of responding to each of your comments. Might take me till next year.
quesion 1: what is "marriage" anyway? a status probably. to tell people of your status; to keep their hands off your property (aka wife/husband), to tell people that the offspring is legal, to get certain benefits (for example new HDB flats! :)
question 2: is the concept of "love" universal? do people marry just because of love? what are other conditions in which people marry? some people are still being match-made now, for example. love might grow but it was not there in the first place
question 3: why do some societies accept marriages with mutiple wives/mistresses? to tell people that you are wealthy, that you are sexually powerful perhaps, to produce more children
My point is: the concept of marriage has been evolving and will continue to evolve.
MY next question then would be: why have societies evolved such that the monogamous marriage is now the norm. why is the polygamous marriage being frowned upon?
any brave soul would like to attempt an answer here?
Let me try. I wanna be a brave soul.
Answer to question 1:
yepp i agree with what you said.i think marriage is a bond between two parties.and probably also getting the license to do "something else".
Answer to question 2:
the concept of "love" varies from one another.everyone definition of love depends on their own experience and what they are actually looking out for.
People definitely do not get married solely becasue of love.
They get married because:
i)They want to settle down
ii)they want to lead a stable life
iii)they want someone to share their joy and sorrows with; someone they can confide in.
iv)pressure given by their parents
v)hoping that in future when they grow old, they will have a companion and their kids to look after them.
vi)as what ms chang has said a new HDB flats
vii)and some even get married becasue they want to have the citizenship of a country(i mean why not?)
viii)poor family background which they have no choice to choose their spouse; for financial security.
Answer to question 3:
In addition to tell people that you're wealthy, powerful.Yes more children.Countries like singapore, facing an ageing population. To increase the birth rates, allow polygamous marrigaes:)(I'm not trying to say that woman are factories to manufacture babies)
and to the last question:
I feel that in the past, woman are less capable, they are less educated.They are sterotyped as looking after the children, doing housework, serve their husband in every little detail.So i guess all they look out for is that someone who can take care of their meals, their family.They are not bothered by the fact that they are sharing their husband.
But today, women are receiving the same education as males. In fact women are actually catching up(which i feel its a good thing.WOOTS!!!? Hence, woman now tend to be more possessive. Who will want to share their husband with someone else and not getting their husband's full attention.
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alan my point here is not whether a male can have multiple wives or a woman can have multiple husbands. what i mean is why must there be a system for multiple spouses?(which is why i disagree) being faithful is what i believe in. there is no need for more spouses to fill one's emotional well-being in a person's life.that's what i think.
I will now confer the brave soul award to Adabelle! :)
A very credible try indeed.
What I was trying to get everyone to do was to address the multiple perspectives in this issue. And adabelle has covered many bases here.
refer to my comments to lilian below.
Lilian
you are looking at a very powerful aspect in the 21st century marriage -- emotions.
People have to "click" or "connect" to be together. Emotional compatibility seems "necessary" nowadays.
However, surprise, surprise. This is a very recent phenomenon. Many people married because of necessity. Because they were the right age already, because more hands were needed on the farm. Thus, emotional compatibility was not as important.
Men with many mistresses felt it was "necessary" because of the need to flaunt their wealth, to satisfy their urges, or even to seek to produce males.
Necessity evolves, just like the concept of love.
The big question now would be: WHAT MAKES IT NECESSARY FOR OUR SOCIETY TO ACCEPT POLYGAMOUS MARRIAGES???
hello everyone!!
hmm..for me,polygamous marriages is a YES for me.
In life,you can fall for many people but not having them all.You can see people having affairs outside after their marriage and this seems to me that people are not satisfied with one life partner.Instead of having a not very glamourous affair outside,why not make it public,as in you are open about the relationship.
Polygamous marriages are allowed in the malay community today but why not the chinese,indian,eurasian n etc?
People might not have a very positive idea about polygamous marriage,as in they feel that each person must be faithful to their one partner.But how often do couples stay together for long without having affairs outside?You can see it everyday,people get divorce after a few years of marriage or people having affairs outside.
So,i think polygamous marriage should be allowed in Singapore.To grant the desire of people having multiple partners.
WOOTS!thanks for the brave soul award.hehs.momokai you're too late for the award.i won it already.HAHAHA.
as what miss chang has mentioned:emotional compatibility was not as important.
I'm not sure about the other countries.but as far as singapore is concern.i think polygamous marriages is necessary because of the ageing population and low birth rates in singapore.
With polygamous marriages, man are allowed to have more wives to increase the birth rates. Also it is only right and be fair to the other women also known as the mistress to be given the official title- the wife(i mean in a way.don't "shoot" me.i'm just being brave to speak up.i don't get award for nth:) ).
In 2000, the total population of Singapore was 4,017,700 of which 3,263,200 are citizens and permanent residents. With 1,630,300 resident males and 1,632,900 resident females, the sex ratio was 998 males per 1,000 females.
this is the statistics for the amount of females and males residents in singapore. Both numbers are quite balanced out, if polygamous marriages will to be allowed, there will be alot of relationships. In the near future, the children of all this adults may not even know whose their real parents. Maybe even the parents themselves wont know. This is the worst case scenario, if let say the woman have multiple husbands and man have multiple wifes. Everything will be in a mess. Yes. so i disagree with polygamous marriages. I personally feel that one spouse is enough.
Ok will confer the Brave but late soul award to Alan.
Yew Yong
Good logic! hope you've gotten the statistics from a credible source.
Introducing polygamy might just wreck the balance altogether.
Your "I think one spouse is enough" statement made me laugh.
It's almost as if you are saying "I think one spouse is enough (TROUBLE)"!
Oh my god... What else i can say? I totally disagree to polygamous marriage in singapore. Having more than one wife at the same time is so unfair to the women. Jealousy is somthing that cannot control. What if one of the woman become demanding? she thinks that he treat others better than her? How are we going to ensure that the guy are able to handle such situation? He will treat them and love them equally? When comes to relationship and marriage, love is somthing cannot be divided and shared among different woman.If polgamous marriages is allowed, there will be a havoc... woman will become "gou xin dou jiao" ...Polygamous marriges tend to be very destructive and are demeaning to the women that are involved.
When each of the woman had their own child, who going to ensure when they grown up they can live in harmony? or they wil just compete with each other in order to excel or to be the best in father's eyes ?
to improvise i feel that if polygamous marriages happen.. a particular gender will dominate again. they will feel that they are superior.
I feel people should be more open about polygamous marriages.The Malay Community have been having this system for quite a long time already, the chinese,indian,eurasian and other community should begin to adopt this practice.
It ok to have polygamous marriage as long as both parties are happy.If they really love each other,they don't mind sacrificing for their love ones.
Lets be more open about this polygamous marriage,not to be overly concern or paranoid about it.but we can be very open about it and accept this system.
First and foremost, I think that polygamous marriages should be allowed in Singapore. And obviously not just because it is happening in the Malay community now.
I simply think if polyamorous marriages are to be allowed, there ought to an agreement in place which prevents a spouse from marrying a second spouse without the consent of the first. Afterall, this action will essentially alter the initial structure of that marriage.
Nevertheless, if no direct damage is being done to others, I don't see how big a problem polygamous marriages can be. The legal aspect will require some evolvement as it needs to adapt the new laws created by these new polygamous marriages. I'm one person that believes that something/some actions should not be restricted simply because it creates more work for the society.
Daphne has hit the nail on the head there.
1.If polygamy is to be instituted in singapore, there would definitely be a legal structure to support it. So, if this group decides to support the issue, then you would also need to decide some some of basic legalities behind it.
Very simple example, when a married person dies in a car accident and he has not made a will, his assets would automatically go to the spouse (not the children).
So, if polygamy is in place, the law could be changed such that the assets would be divided equally amongst the spouses.
2. another basic law could be that the first wife has to sign an agreement that she is willing to accept the husband taking on a 2nd/3rd/4th... wife.
Back to the crux of the issue
WHY SHOULD WE ALLOW POLYGAMY IN SINGAPORE?
IS THERE MORE GOOD THAN HARM?
Hoe Kong's response to Adabelle makes a lot of sense.
If singapore women are unwilling to give birth, they might be unwilling regardless of the fact that she is the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th wife. :)
Time to give some advice for Discussion Cafe.
Think i've done this earlier. Nevertheless...
Alan's group
If you agree with the issue,
you must tell us
EITHER
1) the benefits that this system will bring to Singaporeans
2) the disadvantages of monogamy
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